Are those eyes mine?

When I look in the mirror, I know that the person I'm looking at is me- but it doesn't feel like me.
Imagine a baby looking in the mirror, they see someone, but they don't know it's them. I assume that this is like how I feel, except I have conscience opinions not just observations based on the reflection I see.
It's crazy. I feel a detachment from myself. Nothing about me feels like me.

I'm not who I am supposed to be, but I don't know who I am. I know who I want to be but I don't know how to become her.
I feel so lost.
I feel so depressed.
I feel so empty.
I feel so overwhelmed.
I feel so immature.
I feel so lonely.
I feel nothing.

I wish that I could hug me. I wish I could feel real.
I wish that I could be as sympathetic with myself as I am with others.
I wish others could understand me.
I just want someone to give me the answers. I'm tired of trying to figure them out.
I'm tired of being an adult.

I wish I hadn't of put on makeup. I want to cuddle this stuffed animal, but I'm crying and it will get everywhere. Then my grandma would be angry with me for ruining her stuffed animal.

I would trade anything in the world, I would do anything to have my daughter back. She is the only person, the only being in the whole world that brings me happiness. I have fucked up so much in my life, I have been so depressed my entire life- but the one thing I AM good at, is being a mommy.

I am not good with everything regarding mommy-hood. I need to be more mature regarding her father and step mom, but so do they. I need to put aside my fears and just fuckin' do it. Just give the finger to everyone and step up, kick ass, and get her back. I don't want her back for me- if I thought that the best place for her, was where she is- I would step aside and let her be. Her happiness, her well being, her discipline, her education, her life, her future, her now is what is more important to me than anything.
I'm not just saying that for other people. I've thought about this- a lot. It consumes my thoughts a lot of the time. That's another thing I am, I'm honest. Sometimes I'm misinformed, but I'm honest with myself about myself. I'm honest with others, too.

I've calmed down. That means that my mind is going to go into hibernate.
I hope that if you're reading this, you have a better night than I did.

I'm just a scared, immature, little girl.

"I want to punch a tree, break myself. Hurt myself.
I haven't felt this way in a long time.
A long time.

I want to feel loved, love myself. Embrace myself.
I haven't felt that way in a long time.
A long time."

I'm hanging my own noose here. I'm punishing myself. I don't understand why! Why do I hate myself so much?!
Everything I do... every single God damn thing I do.... I regret. I drank that soda, I lost my daughter, I ate. I didn't take my medicine. I slept in. I couldn't sleep. I let myself love. I didn't let myself love. I want to cut. But I didn't cut. I went out on a limb. I fell. I tried. I didn't try hard enough.

I continuously fail myself. I fail my daughter.
No body in my family sees how hard I try. How much I kill myself. No body in general can help me. I want help. I want someone to completely genuinely understand. I want someone to talk to me, have all the right things to say.
I don't want to be so needy. I want to feel emotionally stable again. I want to UNDERSTAND MYSELF.
I want to disappear. Why is it so hard to become a good person?

Fuck.
I'll never have a chance.

Dear Santa... could you please come in September this year?

To Whom It May Concern:
This is too much to handle.

I need:
My permit
A bike
A camera
Conditioner
Cover letter
resume
references
a cell phone
An anonymous donation of 1,000 dollars made out in cash on my doorstep.
Laundry needs to be done.
Clean out motor home.
Organize boxes.
Decide what’s worth taking.
Regret leaving what I don’t take.
Find a studio apartment in Portland, or a roommate that will accept 495.25 cents a month for rent and utilities since that's all the money I'll be getting a month.
Oh! But let me live there for free the first month because I don't get 495.25 until October 20th, but I'm moving to Portland September 19th. >.>

That about covers it dear Sir, or Madam.

Sincerely,
12 Days Left

"3 months tops..."

Apparently I'm such a failure, and no good person that I'll only last in Portland for 3 months. This is the support that I'm getting from my 'mother'. She's mad because she doesn't get to go see one of her many men, or possibly her best friend(with benefits), because my 'grandma' is making her babysit me with my daughter. They all think I'm a horrible mom that's not going to make it in life.

I'm lazy because I should be out having a temporary job before I go to Portland, even though one of the many things pushing me towards Portland is that I CAN'T get a job here in the valley. I don't have references, that I can rely on, or experience in anything but fast food. I put in SO many applications, and no call backs. Going to culinary school will show employers up there that I AM motivated and that I WANT to work in their family style restaurant.

I'm going to gossip and say that I think SHE'S lazy because she's been drawing unemployment since December, and she's been 'job hunting' here and there... online... when she feels like it.... and when she's not yelling at her kids or sleeping around with men. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM.

I told her that she's nothing but a bully. She is taking out her own insecurities on other people. Those other people just so happen to be her children. Which is unfortunate. She tells me that I'm not going to make it in life--- that's because she's 43(almost 44) and never made it. She's back at home living with Mom and Pop.
She yells at the son she has left(because our brother chose to go live with his father because he couldn't handle her yelling). None of us respect her, or want to associate with her. My brother that is still here says that he's only here because 'there's always some place worse' which is true. Just look at the family I ended up with when she gave me up for adoption when I was 10. I still say I would rather be with a family that is not my own that treats me like crap(such as my adoptive family) than to be here at 'home' with my own 'family' that treats me like crap.
This link is to my old blog, it will give you an idea of how I feel about my 'mom'. Keep in mind, it was written before I was getting back on track with God, but the base feelings are still the same.
http://pkmntrnrsabrina.xanga.com/749183678/dear-momrant/

I have a feeling that I'll be blogging A LOT until I leave.

Oh, something strange happened this morning... my grandpa actually asked me if I was okay. I think that's the first time he's ever inquired about my feelings. I was so shocked that he was talking to me that I didn't respond.
And he was all, 'Sabrina?'
And I said, 'Oh! You were talking to me?!'
And he said, 'yeah'.
All I could muster up to respond was, 'Yeah...I'm okay.'
I wish he'd ask more...

What is 'family' to you?
What are the components or ingredients, if you will, to make a house a home?
To make anywhere a home?

I thought about this day before you were born...

It's really starting to hit me, again. Moving, leaving my daughter.
Her step mom stopped by today to drop off Sammie's booster seat. She also brought over school clothes for Sammie to try on. I couldn't help but be extremely jealous.
I'm jealous that I'm not the one school shopping for Sammie, and I'm not going to be the one to drop Sammie off for her first day of school. I don't get to obsess, and take pictures, and do her hair, and swoon over her projects that she's going to be bringing home... I'll get to see her maybe once a month.
And knowing her father and step mom, they won't think to send me any projects or paintings or writing that Sammie does and learns how to do.
When I was pregnant with Sammie, we drove past an elementary school, and I started to cry just thinking about Sammie's first day of preschool. That was 4 1/2 years ago!
In the first sentence, I said it was starting to hit me, again. That's because the realization seems to come and go. One moment I feel ultra strong(emotionally) and that lasts for a week or so. Then something happens and I think about something with Sammie, or I just look at her, and I can't even bear the thought of leaving her.
I DON'T WANT TO! I want to kick and scream, and stay here... but I feel that if I do, staying here will be of the utmost consequence.
I think that I'm going where God is directing me. And that's the only thing that's making me feel like I'll be okay.
It WILL work out, it will be okay to be homeless. It will be worth it in the end FOR my daughter, to leave my daughter.

You eat with your eyes.

I received my acceptance letter from Le Cordon Bleu yesterday, and that made me excited.
Today I received a cookbook from Le Cordon Bleu and that made me ecstatic! I was making jokes and trying to talk to my 'mom' but she just ignored me and played games on her phone. Like usual.
I told my Grandpa about what I received and I was so excited about it! All he said was, "Oh, so you can make dinner tonight."

Is there anybody that is as excited for me as I am for myself/